Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. While others my age worried about school dances, the whole high school scene, and graduation, I would stay up at night wondering when I would get married and have children. It stressed me out. It wasn't because I didn't feel independent or accomplished as an individual. I didn't need a husband to feel safe and secure, or want children just to be pregnant and dress them up in cute clothes. I have just always felt a natural inclination to become a mother.
When Trevor and I were dating and talking about when and how many children we wanted to have, I expressed this desire to him. About a month after getting married, I went off birth control and we almost instantly became pregnant. I, we, were thrilled.
At 6 weeks, I got hit hard with hyperemesis. From the time I woke up, until the time I was finally able to go to sleep, I spent most of the day sitting in front of the toilet. I became helpless, and ultimately bed-ridden. I realized very quickly that this didn't work very well with trying to work full time. Desperate for relief, I went to my
OB and begged for help. She set me up with IV fluids in the hospital and anti-nausea medication as needed. We took advantage of it as we spent several days a week in the hospital for hydration.
One particular night, I was feeling very weak and fatigued.
My mom called Bishop Clark over, and he and my dad gave me a blessing. In it, my dad told me that everything would be okay and that in the end we would have a healthy baby. Phew.
At 11 weeks, I went to do a session at the temple. Afterwards in the Celestial Room, I broke down to tears and prayed silently to my Heavenly Father. He, out of all people, would know and understand what I was going through. I explained to Him how sick and tired I was of being sick and tired. I told Him how helpless I felt and the strain it was putting on my mental and physical health, but more importantly, our marriage. I then went on to tell Him how I couldn’t do it anymore. I cried, vented, and cried some more. He patiently listened, and understood.
Later that same week, we went in to the Dr. to see if I was going to need a NG tube. Even with the IV therapy, I still was losing too much weight and not keeping enough nutrients in to keep the baby or myself healthy. When the Dr. came in, she suggested doing an ultrasound for us to have some peace of mind that all of this was for something so wonderful. As she placed the probe on my abdomen, no heartbeat was heard. She reassured us that because it was still early in the pregnancy, the location of the fetus and/or the placenta could interfere with a good reading. She proceeded to do a transvaginal ultrasound to obtain a different view. I will never forget the next few words- “Lindsey, I am so, so, sorry.” I immediately broke down. “No. This can’t be happening. What do you mean you there is no heartbeat? I was promised in that blessing that everything was going to be okay.” I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so broken. This was our baby- the child we were supposed to be holding come 7 more months. This was the reason behind being so sick. And all of that for nothing?
We opted to have a D&C (where they go in and remove the contents inside of the uterus). I couldn’t imagine going through a miscarriage at home.
The next few weeks were a blur as I was numbed by the pain of our loss. I would wake up at random times during the night and just cry- Trevor would just hold me. Family and friends offered various types of assurance and encouragement. One person told me, “at least it happened earlier than later.” While I knew she meant the best, I couldn’t believe she could be so ignorant. Yes, I was only 12 weeks along. No, I hadn’t felt the baby kick, or even had the chance to know if it was a girl or a boy. But it was my child. I could make out fingers, toes, and a tiny nose from our first ultrasound picture. That tiny little fetus was just as much a baby to me as Tanner now is to us.
A little over a year later, the doctor placed our son on my chest and we met Tanner for the first time. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Finally, I was a mother.
A few weeks ago in church, the speaker in Sacrament Meeting was talking about the principle of Eternity. She explained that everything our Heavenly Father does is eternal. Blessings we receive and are promised to us aren’t always fulfilled during this mortal probation. Almost suddenly, I felt the Spirit testify to me that the blessing I had received while pregnant the first time wasn’t in vain. I was promised that in the end everything would be okay, and that I would hold a healthy baby at the end of it. And, I will. Someday, when this life is through, I will hold that beautiful child of ours in my arms.
Until that time, we will love those children that Heavenly Father blesses us with in this life, and look forward to the day that we will all be united with that one that was too precious to meet us here. For now, we are a family of three, and loving every minute of it.
