Venting Session

Today I need to vent. I am pregnant. Trevor and I had plans to wait to tell family/friends for various reasons. However, it's almost impossible to do because my body and pregnancy (at least for the first trimester) hate each other. Like with the last two pregnancies, morning sickness hit around 6 weeks. Except, it isn't just morning sickness, it's all day, 24/7, seven days a week sickness. Needless to say, it gets pretty old ... fast. Last week at work, I had to leave early two days because I was hardly functioning and productive unless it meants sitting in front of the toilet.

So, I start my regimen of IV fluids and anti-nausea medication when needed. Unfortunately, this doesn't last too long, and its a matter of hours until I feel nauseas again. So, I can't really work. But, I would have to go unpaid if I take time off and my job is unprotected. We can't afford for me not to work, or to not have a job. I don't know what to do.

And perhaps the most frustrating thing is that I know people think I am making this up, exaggerating, crazy, etc. Yeah, I choose to throw up all day, I choose to feel like crap and to get dehydrated, constipated, and need to go in to the hospital throughout the week. All cause, it sounds so fun. Yes, I choose to have to go home early from work so I can run out of PTO, be broke, and stress about how we are going to pay the bills.

Well, that feels a bit better to just vent. Now off to figure out how to make it all work...

Clever Tricks of the T man

The T man is a clever kid. Whoever said babies don't know a whole lot hasn't met my son. From sunup to sundown he is always showing off all of his MANY clever tricks. This is how a normal day goes for this busy boy-

8:00 am- Tanner wakes up and this is what he looks like, so innocent.

Little would you know, he has a surprise for you.. in his pants. He has a poopy diaper and has filled it with urine to the brim. I start to change him and as soon as the dirty diaper is off, he thinks we are done. So, he starts to go on with his busy day- naked. I put him back in place and hand him my phone to play with. As soon as I put the powder on him he flips over and starts trying to crawl off the bed creating a trail of powder dust as he goes.

9:00 am- Time for breakfast. He is sooo hungry right? So I put him in his highchair and as soon as there is food on his tray, he doesn't want it. Instead, as soon as I turn around to do something, he quietly and ever so nicely drops it to Zoey (our dog) who waits patiently below him (notice his arm cleverly reaching over the edge of the tray?

 I turn around because I know what he is doing, and his this is what he looks like-

I say "no" and he gives me this smile-

10:00 am- Time for first nap of the day. He is fed, changed, and exhausted from all of his morning to-do's. I lay him in his crib with a bottle and his eyes start to roll to the back of his head- soooo tired. I close the door, and but 5 minutes later, guess who I hear? I go in to see what his deal is now, and of course, he has pooped, again.  This time, while I'm changing him, he thinks its time for a bath

11:00 am- Tanner wakes up. Who can take longer than an hour to sleep when you have so many things to do right? I feed him (and he reverts back to his clever trick of sharing food with Zoey). We play and play and play. I think that I can get one load of laundry folded, so I lay all of his toys on the ground and let him at it. 2 minutes later I hear him laughing. I look over the couch and he has found Zoey's water bowl. By now, there is no water in the bowl, it is all over him. Silly kid.

1:00- Time for nap #2. Again, he is exhausted. He is nearly asleep as I lay him in his crib. Within 5 minutes he is laughing and jumping. I go in and not too surprisingly anymore, he has pooped. I really do think he does that EVERYTIME he lays down to get out of taking a nap. What 8 month old does that?!?!

And the routine goes on and on and on. That is why I am simply in LOVE with this kid. He knows he's cute and clever(and with a noggin like his how can you not be?), and makes sure everyone else does too :>

Change of Plans

When I was younger, I had my life mapped out. I would graduate high school, go to nursing school, graduate, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

Well He had different plans for me. Instead, I met Trevor, became unofficially engaged, graduated high school, got married, started school, had Tanner, and now I am slowly quiting school.

Trevor and I both work full time right now, and we were both going to school full time. Two months of feeling like I never saw Trevor or our sweet boy got old- fast. So, together, Trevor and I decided that it would be best for our family if I put school off until he was done with his program (Spring of 2014).

I believe 100% in obtaining an education, it is just on hold for the moment. We plan on living off of whatever Trevor makes once he starts a career, so we felt that it made more sense to really focus on his schoolwork and allow me more time to spend with Tanner.

While it didn't all happen the way I had planned, I am SOOO glad it turned out how it has. It is hard for me sometimes to be satisfied with how things are now. I would much rather prefer that Trevor be done with school and working so that I don't have to. But we have so many sweet moments together and appreciate the time we have with each other because it is limited. So Goodbye school- see ya in a few years.

Mothers Are The Best

My mom is the best. She flew up with only a few days notice to help me with the T man (Tanner) while Trevor's mom (who usually watches him) went to Utah for the week. She has been here since Friday and will sadly be going home Sunday. Oh how I miss her being close.

This week we have gone out to eat, shopped, done crafts, watched movies, and laughed so hard we've peed our pants... a few times :> (It runs in the family)

She is such a good grandma- she gets on her hands and knees and crawls around on the floor to play with Tanner. She gives him several baths a day, makes sure he is frequently fed (although this is not a problem seeing his size), and above all, makes sure he is happy.

She is an amazing mom. She has done loads upon loads of laundry. She has cleaned bathrooms, cooked meals, cleaned dishes, organized rooms, etc, etc, etc. I love you Mom!

I am also sooo very grateful for my mother-in-law.  Since Tanner was 3 months old, she has watched him while Trevor and I have worked. I know she has athritis, that I'm sure isn't helped at all by taking care of my son, but she has never complained. She has always been willing to help us, and I will never be able to tell her how thankful I am to her.

No matter how old they get, they always take care of their kids, and grandkids. And that's why mothers are the best!

Weekly Update

This week seems to be dragging!! Maybe it's because I waited all week for my sister Katie to come, and now I have to wait until late tomorrow for mi madre to be here! Yay!! It is so hard not having my family close by. Trevor's family is AMAZING, and I am so grateful to have them here, but nothing beats spending time with your own, ya know?

We have been busy this week with work, school, visiting teaching, home teaching, Relief Society meeting, board meeting, work meetings, lol the list keeps going. Trevor is volunteering this semester with the refugees in the area and has been assigned to work a young man from Iraq. Tomorrow he gets to take him to take his driving test (Trevor informed me the other day that he let Kreem drive his car and Kreem hit something with the bumper- EEKS!) So that should be interesting- especially since the person testing him will be our Bishop. hahaha

I have (get? lol) to teach my first lesson on Sunday in Relief Society, and am scared to death! It is the teaching for our times lesson, so it comes out of the Ensign. I have read through it several times and still feel kind of unsure what direction I should take with it. I work all night Saturday and church is at 9 so it will be interesting to see how it goes!

I did inform the Bishop when I got set apart for teaching on Sunday that I had three callings. "Oh, you do?"- was his reply lol. He asked me what they were. I told him, "Achievement Days, piano in Primary, and now teaching in Relief Society. With humor, he replied, "Well, technically you have three half callings. You only teach once a month, play piano for only the first half of primary, and Achievement days is only twice a month." If only it worked that way :>

This week my mom is coming and I am soooo excited!!!! It will fly by I'm sure, but we will enjoy every moment!

Livin The Poor Life

We are poor. I like money. The two aren't working well with each other LOL. I don't care for fancy furniture, clothes, or make-up. I just would rather not live paycheck to paycheck. I also like to have money to fuel my random and sporatic hobbies.

For example, lately, I have been on a craft kick. From the time we got married until just recently, I spent ZERO time doing anything arts and crafty and desperately missed it. A few weeks ago, I discovered Pinterest (Thanks Malia!) and am hooked! One night at work, I ran to Walmart on my lunch break and bought a few things to complete something I had seen on this amazing website. With some recent stress, doing something for fun like that was so therapuetic.

I could do crafts all day every day. I could also spend money all day every day lol. Now those go perfectly with each other. The only problem is my lack of funds.

So, I have decided that I am going on a spending fast (going without money for, well... as long as I can) and will start to find things around the house I can utilize for my arts and craft projects. It will be a $0 budget craft bizzarre, and I am thrilled for the challenge.

I would love to hear of things you have made/done/created/reinvented, etc. without spending a penny! I will post my projects as I find them!

Journey to Motherhood

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. While others my age worried about school dances, the whole high school scene, and graduation, I would stay up at night wondering when I would get married and have children. It stressed me out. It wasn't because I didn't feel independent or accomplished as an individual. I didn't need a husband to feel safe and secure, or want children just to be pregnant and dress them up in cute clothes. I have just always felt a natural inclination to become a mother.

When Trevor and I were dating and talking about when and how many children we wanted to have, I expressed this desire to him. About a month after getting married, I went off birth control and we almost instantly became pregnant. I, we, were thrilled.

At 6 weeks, I got hit hard with hyperemesis. From the time I woke up, until the time I was finally able to go to sleep, I spent most of the day sitting in front of the toilet. I became helpless, and ultimately bed-ridden. I realized very quickly that this didn't work very well with trying to work full time. Desperate for relief, I went to my OB and begged for help. She set me up with IV fluids in the hospital and anti-nausea medication as needed. We took advantage of it as we spent several days a week in the hospital for hydration.

One particular night, I was feeling very weak and fatigued.  My mom called Bishop Clark over, and he and my dad gave me a blessing. In it, my dad told me that everything would be okay and that in the end we would have a healthy baby. Phew.

At 11 weeks, I went to do a session at the temple. Afterwards in the Celestial Room, I broke down to tears and prayed silently to my Heavenly Father. He, out of all people, would know and understand what I was going through. I explained to Him how sick and tired I was of being sick and tired. I told Him how helpless I felt and the strain it was putting on my mental and physical health, but more importantly, our marriage. I then went on to tell Him how I couldn’t do it anymore. I cried, vented, and cried some more. He patiently listened, and understood.

Later that same week, we went in to the Dr. to see if I was going to need a NG tube. Even with the IV therapy, I still was losing too much weight and not keeping enough nutrients in to keep the baby or myself healthy. When the Dr. came in, she suggested doing an ultrasound for us to have some peace of mind that all of this was for something so wonderful. As she placed the probe on my abdomen, no heartbeat was heard. She reassured us that because it was still early in the pregnancy, the location of the fetus and/or the placenta could interfere with a good reading. She proceeded to do a transvaginal ultrasound to obtain a different view. I will never forget the next few words- “Lindsey, I am so, so, sorry.” I immediately broke down. “No. This can’t be happening. What do you mean you there is no heartbeat? I was promised in that blessing that everything was going to be okay.” I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so broken. This was our baby- the child we were supposed to be holding come 7 more months. This was the reason behind being so sick. And all of that for nothing?

We opted to have a D&C (where they go in and remove the contents inside of the uterus). I couldn’t imagine going through a miscarriage at home.

The next few weeks were a blur as I was numbed by the pain of our loss. I would wake up at random times during the night and just cry- Trevor would just hold me. Family and friends offered various types of assurance and encouragement. One person told me, “at least it happened earlier than later.” While I knew she meant the best, I couldn’t believe she could be so ignorant. Yes, I was only 12 weeks along. No, I hadn’t felt the baby kick, or even had the chance to know if it was a girl or a boy. But it was my child. I could make out fingers, toes, and a tiny nose from our first ultrasound picture. That tiny little fetus was just as much a baby to me as Tanner now is to us.

A little over a year later, the doctor placed our son on my chest and we met Tanner for the first time. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Finally, I was a mother.

A few weeks ago in church, the speaker in Sacrament Meeting was talking about the principle of Eternity. She explained that everything our Heavenly Father does is eternal. Blessings we receive and are promised to us aren’t always fulfilled during this mortal probation. Almost suddenly, I felt the Spirit testify to me that the blessing I had received while pregnant the first time wasn’t in vain. I was promised that in the end everything would be okay, and that I would hold a healthy baby at the end of it. And, I will. Someday, when this life is through, I will hold that beautiful child of ours in my arms.

Until that time, we will love those children that Heavenly Father blesses us with in this life, and look forward to the day that we will all be united with that one that was too precious to meet us here. For now, we are a family of three, and loving every minute of it.